The Cullens Gone Mad
by Waffles-r-after-me
Summary: A developing relationship, a shiny wand, Elvis Presley, oak trees, and Jaspina? Yup. It's all in this fanfic and MORE! Waffles urges you to satisfy the hunger that is ravenously tearing at your laughbox and read this enchanting story....
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary::: Edward and Jasper are becoming a lot more than brothers, Emmett and Rosalie go off on a quest to find Elvis Presley, Alice becomes a sharpie addict, Carlisle and Esme have a strange obsession with oak trees, and Bella goes insane. What has happened to the Cullen family?**_

_**Why, hello there. I guess you've come to read my story. Well go on now, it won't bite… (if you're lucky enough that is) **_

**_Disclaimer:: I don't own Twilight or New Moon or any of the characters. I sure as hell wish I owned Edward, but so does every other girl. So -sigh- my invisible Edward will just have to do. So, read, my friends….read!_**

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As Edward pulled up into the Swan driveway, the front door slammed open. "Edward, WHERE have you been?" Bella demanded.

A confused look crossed Edward's face as he replied, "I was at home getting dressed for school, why do you ask?"

"You should have been here THREE minutes ago!" Bella fumed.

"I'm sorry, my love. Won't happen again." Edward replied, still utterly confused. He knew well enough not to ask why she was mad, that always made her madder.

Bella slammed the door and sat down on the passenger seat hard. She crossed her arms and looked out the window, saying nothing.

They drove to school in an awkward silence.

Just as Edward had found a decent spot in the overcrowded school parking lot, the other Cullens pulled up.

Bella decided to keep giving Edward the cold shoulder, so she left him to go talk with Alice.

Jasper tip-toed over to Edward ballerina-style. "Edward!" He said perkily with a twirl.

"Hey, Hot Stuff!" Edward exclaimed, eyes scanning up and down Jasper's body.

"How are you on this fine, fine morning?" Jasper asked in a high-pitched voice.

"Not good. Bella…well, she blew up on me again. I swear…it just gets worse and worse! I don't know what to do!" Edward exclaimed hopelessly. He looked as if he was close to tears.

"Aw, it's okay. Let Jasper make you all better." He cooed, and wrapped his arms around Edward.

"Thanks. I needed that." Edward exhaled loudly, it felt as if a huge weight had been taken off of his shoulders.

"What you need is this." Jasper whispered in a seductive tone in Edward's ear as his hands slid down Edward's pants.

Edward bitch-slapped Jasper in the face. "How COULD you violate me like this?" Tears were streaming down his face as he stalked away, like an angry teenage girl. Jasper stared after him, surprised at his reaction. He had thought Edward felt that way about him, too.

Suddenly, Edward turned on his heel and ran back to Jasper. "Please take me back! I shouldn't have left you like that. I know you hate me, but please…give me one more chance!" He exclaimed, tears running down his cheeks in torrents.

"Hmm…" Jasper appeared to be contemplating whether or not to take Edward back. He was prolonging his response just to antagonize Edward. Edward's eyes were wet with tears, and his eyes were pleading.

"I guess so-" Jasper had started to say. "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" Edward exclaimed, cutting Jasper off. He let out a girlish squeal of happiness and hugged Japer, one leg popped in the air.

"On one condition." Jasper warned.

"Yes? Anything! Anything!" Edward was bouncing up and down like a four-year-old.

"Tonight we go…hunting." Jasper started giggling uncontrollably.

"Sure!" Edward exclaimed happily.

They walked to class hand-in-hand.

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When they got to class, they found Bella talking animatedly to her pen.

"And omigod can you believe who Jessica's going out with?" She concentrated on the pencil for a second. "Are you serious? No way! I can't believe she left him!" Her eyes were wide from the juicy gossip she had just received from her pencil.

Bella then proceeded to share this information with a nonexistent being that was sitting in the desk next to her- the desk Edward usually sat in. Edward awkwardly approached the chair. "Um, is this seat taken?" He asked Bella politely.

"Well obviously it is! Can you not see Hilga sitting right there? Are you blind?" Bella scoffed. She ignored Edward and continued filling "Hilga" in.

Edward and Jasper found seats on the other side of the classroom and whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears. "Edward! Jasper," Barked the teacher, "Would you like to see me after school in detention?"

Jasper smiled coyly. "No. But I would like to see you in bed." A few students took out their camera phones to capture the priceless look on their most-hated math teacher's face. Jasper blew a kiss in his direction.

Edward laughed heartily. "It is your wit that attracts me to you so." He spat out through laughter.

Finally their teacher seemed to have composed himself enough to say, "Jasper, I want you-" Jasper took that mid-sentence moment to change his mood to be more…sexual. "To strip!" He exclaimed, pulling out his wallet and fanning out about ten one dollar bills.

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At lunch, Jasper was trying to explain to Alice what had happened during First Period.

"Ohmigod, and then I like totally seduced him," Jasper was saying, "Alice! Are you listening to me? I am like…offended." He made a talk-to-the-hand sign.

Alice took no notice of that as she sniffed a pink sharpie. "Yellow! I need yellow!" She screamed, as she rummaged through her backpack. She triumphantly held up a yellow sharpie and deeply inhaled. "Ah, that's more like it!"

Jasper made a disgusted sound and said, "What-ever!" He turned to Bella. "Bella, my dah-ling!" He drawled. He grabbed a lock of her hair. "Your hair looks simply mah-va-lous today."

Bella stared at him with large I'm-a-deer-in-headlights eyes. She pointed at him and jumped up screaming, "Rape! Rape! Get him off me!" She ran around the cafeteria screaming it repeatedly at the top of her lungs. People stared, curious, but continued eating as if it weren't too big of a deal. Bella did things like this a lot lately.

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Emmett and Rosalie were in deep discussion about a singer, Elvis Presley. On the way to school they had heard one of his songs and they hadn't shut up about him since then.

"He is the greatest singer ever!" Rosalie gushed. "I know, right?" Emmett agreed readily. "You know…I think we should do a bit of hunting. Like James did. Only, we're not going to eat our prey. We're going to make him sing for us!" Rosalie proposed.

"You mean Elvis? We should look for Elvis?" Rosalie nodded enthusiastically at this. "That sounds great! Let's go!" Emmett exclaimed exuberantly, getting up out of his chair and grabbing Rosalie's arm. He led her out the door and to the car. They were going on a road trip.

Once in the car, Rosalie thought to ask, "Where do we start?" Emmett smiled and said, "Why, the grocery store of course! Have you ever read World Weekly News? They always have updates on where Elvis was last seen!"

"Never checked." Was Rosalie's response.

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With Rosalie and Emmett gone on their Elvis Quest, Alice high on sharpies, and Bella now trembling in a corner scared of the toe fairy, Edward and Jasper got some alone time. It wasn't really "alone time" considering they were in a cafeteria full of high school students, but they obviously didn't care.

"Oh Jasper! You wild beast! Stop it!" Edward playfully swatted Jasper's shoulder.

Jasper didn't stop it. He kept going. "Oh, Jasper! You're so bad!" Edward cried out.

People started gathering around to watch. "Oh, Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!" Edward managed to say in between gasps of breath. **(which he really didn't need to do, but this is MY STORY bitches!!!!)**

Jasper was flapping his arms, wiggling his butt, and clapping his hands. He was doing the chicken dance. Someone in the crowd was doing the sound effects of the song, and speeding it up really fast. Jasper, and his vampire-quickness had no trouble keeping up with the tempo and was doing it at a blurring speed. The people were in awe.

Jealousy coursed through Edward's body. "Back off BITCHES! He's with me!"

Edward grabbed Jasper's arm and dragged him outside screaming, "He's mine!" all the way.

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_**Hee hee…I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did (which I'm positive you didn't). But yes, review. If you want to say bad shit, go right ahead. I'll take it like a man! -puts fists up in fighting stance- **_

_**I'm going to do a few more chappies, possibly right now… not sure. If you keep reading, I'll give you a waffle!!!! -dangles waffle in front of face and quickly snatches away-**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Well hello there again. Have you come back for your waffle? -throws waffles- Thanks for the reviews!!! **_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any Twilight characters. If I did, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this damn fanfic if I had the REAL THING, I'd be off having some fun (yes, THAT kind of fun). But I don't, so I'll keep fantasizing.**_

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"Alice, are you all right?" Her concerned English teacher asked. She had a crazed look on her face and was searching frantically through her backpack mumbling something like, "They gotta be here."

Alice's eyes locked on the teacher's. "You took them, didn't you? You were just jealous, because I had every single color. I even had the minis! WELL GIVE THEM BACK!" she roared. She jumped out of her seat. The chair flying back into the desk of the person in back of her, who got knocked out of her chair.

"I didn't take them! I swear!" He managed to say.

Alice was slowly advancing upon him, eyes locked on her terrified prey. "Give. Them. Back." Alice ordered.

"I…I…I don't even know what you're talking about. Whatever it is, I didn't take it!" He pleaded. He tried to make eye contact with a student, so they could go get help. No one met his eye, they found this too hilarious to leave.

All of the sudden, the door burst open to reveal Jasper in a frilly sparkly pink tutu and a princess crown. He was dangling a huge bag of sharpies. "My babies!" Alice gasped.

"Looking for these?" he taunted, swinging the bag back and forth.

Alice let out a scream of rage and leapt at Jasper, who nimbly leapt aside ballerina-style. He batted his new jeweled fake eyelashes at her. Alice went at him again and again, each time missing by inches. "Want the sharpies? Does Alice want the sharpies?" Jasper cooed to the raving mad Alice.

She nodded, her tongue hung out like a dog, and started panting. "Go fetch!" Jasper shouted as he threw the bag down the hallway. Alice bounded, on all fours after it. Once reunited with her beloved sharpies, she took the time to kiss each individual one and give it a long, deep sniff before moving on to the next.

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By this time, Rosalie and Emmett had reached the store. They were ransacking the magazine aisle. Rosalie screamed out "YES!" as she found the new issue of _World Weekly News, _which had a picture of Elvis on the cover. Emmett ran over and looked over her shoulder as she flipped through the pages and found the Elvis article. They quickly scanned it.

"HA! The little devil's in Moldova, is he? To Moldova…AWAY!" Emmett screamed, and leapt down the aisle superman-style. Rosalie followed in quick pursuit. And off they were, on their great Elvis Presley hunt.

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Edward was walking Bella to her last period class. "Edward," she said softly, "I love you."

Edward smiled, thinking of Jasper.

"EDWARD!" She screeched. She whipped around to face him, face red as a ripe tomato.

"Yes, darling?" Edward asked meekly.

"You DO love me, right?" Bella demanded. They had attracted the attention of those in the hall with them.

"Of course…I love you, too." Edward managed to spit out. He was stunned, as always, by Bella's constant mood swings. He was trying to remember the number to the local Mental Ward.

"You'd better!" Bella threatened, and glared at him. "Bipolar bitch." Edward muttered under his breath.

Bella then broke down crying. "I'm not good enough! I'm too fat. All the other girls are prettier than me. I don't deserve you. I need some ice cream!"

"Of course you are, honey." Edward said in comfort.

"Oh, Edward. You always know the right thing to say." Bella managed to say through her tears.

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After the eventful school day, the bell finally rang to end it.

Bella shot up in her seat and screamed, "FIRE!!!" She dropped onto the floor and started rolling around. "Fire! Fire! Fire! Get it OFF me!"

_**(Now is usually the time where the superman-garbed Edward would come in and try-to-but-not save the day…well this is my fanfic and it is NOT going that way!!!)**_

Jasper tiptoed up to Bella, who was still frantically rolling around on the dirty hallway floor. "Bella dahling! I can fix this faster than you can say OMIGOD!" He pulled a sparkly fairy wand out of seemingly nowhere and waved it around. "Bippity, boppity, BOOP!"

Bella turned into a sharpie.

Jasper's mascara-d eyes opened wide. "Oh, goodness. What was that word?"

As he thought, Alice came careening around the corner, eyes trained on the new sharpie to add to her collection. Before Jasper could react, Alice had snatched up the Bella-sharpie. She pulled off the cap and inhaled deeply.

"Bella scented? Hmm…everyone always says she smells like freesia. That's bullshit. She smells like a human. Not a damn flower. But she is a sharpie…" And at that Alice sniffed again.

"Hel-looo that's BELLA you're sniffing!" Jasper informed Alice.

"But she's a sharpie!" Alice wailed.

Jasper stepped up to Alice and slapped her in the face. "BITCH! Give Bella back!" He started trying to wrestle Bella out of Alice's hands, but then it came to him.

"Bippity Boppity BOO!" He exclaimed, waving the wand at the Bella-sharpie. The sharpie exploded and turned into Bella, who fell on the hard hallway floor. She sat smiling up at them. "Ouch! That hurt!" She exclaimed with enthusiasm.

Alice looked sadly at her once-was sharpie, but leaned in towards Bella to sniff her anyway. "Nope…still no damn Freesia."

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_**Sorry no Edward-Jasper makeout scene in this chappie, I'll try and get it into the next chappie. And sorry this chappie is so short…it's spring break and my mind can't focus on anything for too long!!! (and please, keep reviewing…it gives me what little motivation I have to write this thing)**_

_**If anyone happens to know the whereabouts of Elvis Presley, please contact me, so I can, in turn contact Rosalie and Emmett and tell them**. **They're still frantically searching for him…and I'd like to aid them if I can.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Hello everyone, Waffles is finally back. I got inspired. I was hyper. I was feeling reallllly annoying. **_

_**Disclaimer::: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters…unfortunately. I can pretend, but my invisible friends can only get me so far in life.……………**_

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"Carlisle? Esme?" Edward called as he walked through the door to his house.

"Oh, I wonder where they could be?" Jasper asked in an unnecessarily loud voice.

"Hee hee! I figured out if you color the carpet with a sharpie, the whole ROOM will smell like it!" Alice exclaimed happily. She began coloring the carpet with a look of intense concentration on her face.

"Alice, can I help?" Bella asked, bounding over to Alice and crashing into the wall.

"Sure! I'll even let you use my extra-super-fantastical-uber-snifftastical-ultra-permanent YELLOW sharpie." Alice carefully handed over her precious sharpie to Bella and pointed to the spot where she was to start sharpie-ifying the carpet. Bella jubilantly started coloring it in, happy as a fresh-baked waffle.

"So, Edward. I guess it's just you and me looking for Carlisle and Esme then. All alone. No one else. Just you and me. How do you feel about that?" Jasper asked, sauntering up to Edward.

"Um…fine?" Edward answered, thoroughly confused. Jasper was making him feel all funny, a kind of funny he'd never felt before…

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Meanwhile, out in the forest Carlisle and Esme were taking a lovely walk.

"OMIGOSH, CARLISLE! LOOK OVER THERE!" Esme screamed suddenly, pointing at a nearby tree. Her mouth gaped open like she just saw Gwen Stefani in the flesh.

Carlisle turned slowly. His jaw slowly dropped. "You're…you're…you must be an oak tree." He said in wonder to the tree.

Esme slowly walked over to it and ran her hand over the trunk. "She's beautiful!"

"I know. And I do believe she's single." Carlisle deduced.

"Well then…we'll just have to find you a manfriend, won't we?" Esme and Carlisle ran through the forest, appraising and assessing all the eligible oak trees.

Once Edward and Jasper had gotten far enough away from the house, Jasper grabbed Edward's arm.

"Excuse me?" Edward asked.

"I've decided we're not going looking for Carlisle and Esme anymore." Jasper said as-a-matter-of-factly.

"I'm confused…" Edward finally voiced.

"I've decided that we're going hunting. Remember? You promised." Jasper said with a coy smile.

"Well, I guess we can. I'm not very thirsty, though."

"I'm not either."

"So why are we going to go hunting?" 

"I'm not thirsty for blood, Edward. You silly boy." Jasper tapped Edward on the nose with his finger.

"Huh? Then what ARE you thirsty for?"

Jasper giggled at this. "You!"

Edward stood with his head cocked to the side as Jasper slowly leaned in. He looked absolutely ridiculous in his pink tutu, but he was also making Edward feel funny again.

Jasper had his fairy wand tucked behind his ear and it was very shiny. Edward stared at it in awe.

Suddenly he felt something press against his mouth. It was cold and hard and applied with much force. He had no idea what it was. He couldn't tell. Edward couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away from the shiny wand. And then there was something IN his mouth. It tickled his tongue and massaged it. It felt nice. Probably not as nice as that wand, though. If only he could reach it…

Edward lifted up his arm to grab the wand from behind Jasper's ear, but Jasper pinned it down.

Edward moaned. If ONLY he could get that shiny wand! Jasper took Edward's moan a different way and leaned into Edward, pushing him down onto the ground.

Maybe if Edward tried to get that thing out of his mouth he could get the wand? It was worth a try. So Edward tried pushing the Evil Mouth Intruder out of his mouth with his tongue, seeing as his hands were being pinned down. It was to no avail, however. The Evil Mouth Intruder kept fighting back.

What was it anyhow? Come to think of it, what was Jasper doing? He was trying to keep Edward from stealing his shiny wand, wasn't he? He was greedy and self-centered and wanted the shiny all for himself! Thinking all this made Edward very mad.

All of the sudden, Esme and Carlisle came shooting though the trees. They caught sight of Edward and Jasper and stopped short. Their mouths were, once again, agape. Their eyes were very wide in shock.

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_**HAHAHAHAHA!!! I just made a very retarded cliff hanger!!!!! Well…you guys got your Jasper/Edward makeout scene. Well, kind of scene. It was all in Edwards mind and point of view, obviously. **_

_**I think I'm going to do 2 or 3 more chappies, whatever it takes to finish this damn thing. I tend to write more than I need to. I figured out the end, so all I have to do is get to it. Hehe, which will take awhile. **_

_**I hope you guys enjoyed it, as messed up and stupid and immiture as it is. If you didn't, eh well. There are plenty of other stories out there. But, regardless, WAFFLES FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

_**Oh, and just to let you know, I'm a huge die-hard Gwen Stefani/No Doubt freak, so that's why the Gwen comment was in there. **_


	4. Chapter 4

-1_**Hello everybody!!!! Yes, I am aware it's been forever and then some. **_

_**But I have a good reason. And you'll find that reason at the end of the chapter (an incentive to read, eh???)**_

_**I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, or any of the characters of the ingenious mind of Mrs. Stephenie Meyer. Though I would like to own a few of them for the night….hehe. **_

_**Enjoy!!!! **_

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"I CAN EXPLAIN!" Jasper blurted out, scrambling off of Edward.

"He's the one!" Esme said, pointing in Jasper's direction.

"Yes he is! He wouldn't share the shiny." Edward said hotly.

"I can't believe it…" Carlisle was apparently in a state of shock.

"It was all a misunderstanding…it's not what it looks like."

"Oh yes it most certainly is! He's absolutely perfect in every way." Esme said somewhat dreamily.

"Me or the shiny stealer?"

"I can't believe it…"

"WE WERE WRESTLING! Yes, that's it. We were just wrestling." Jasper blurted out, finally deciding on a lie.

Esme slowly walked up to Jasper, eyes refusing to meet his and were fixated on a point over his shoulder.

But she walked right past him.

"Huh?" Jasper turned around to watch Esme walk slowly up to the huge tree that was behind him. She reached out her hand and slowly ran it across the trunk.

"An oak tree?" Jasper asked incredulously.

"Not just any oak tree. THE oak tree. Mariah's soul mate. He's the one." Carlisle voiced.

"What the…?"

"OUR LOVE IS THE REAL THING! DON'T GO AWAYYY IN MY LIFE! I WANT YOU TO STAY, IN MY LIFE! DON'T GO AWAY, MY LOVER! I'M HAPPIEST WHEN WE SPEND TIME!" Edward got down on his knees in front of Jasper and grabbed his hand while singing.

Carlisle and Esme were walking around the oak tree and examining it (him?) with intense interest.

"Come on, Edward. LET'S GO SHOPPING!" Jasper exclaimed, pulling up Edward and carrying him bridal style all the way back to the Cullen House.

"Alice! Bella! Edward and I are going shopping, kay girls?" Jasper called into the large house.

"Mhmm." They both answered distractedly. They were both making very good progress and had successfully colored in a good square foot of carpet each.

"Hold on a sec Eddy, kay hon?" Jasper asked with a wink and went into the bathroom to put on a bit of makeup and change his outfit.

"'S all cool, hot diggity dawg. We be fly brothas, dig?" Edward called up to Jasper, and zoomed quickly into his room and came out wearing gangster clothes.

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Rosalie and Emmett were sitting on a plane that was a nonstop flight to Chisinau, Moldova. They were to stay at the Pink Flamingo Hotel and Casino, one of the four casinos Moldova has.

"What song should we make him sing first?" Rosalie pondered.

"I think we should make him sing the ABC's." Emmett remarked.

"Sounds good to me!"

"Hmm…wanna go to Graceland for our next honeymoon?"

Rosalie opened her mouth to protest.

"Don't worry. We can bring Elvis." Emmett reassured her.

"That sounds wonderful!" Rosalie ejaculated out, enthusiasm lacing her words.

They met each other in a passionate kiss, much to the annoyance of the old lady in the seat next to them.

Emmett pushed Rosalie down onto the seat. His ass was right in the old lady's face.

"My word!" She exclaimed haughtily and scooted a bit farther away from his ass.

"Oh, Elvis!" Rosalie moaned as he started sucking on her bottom lip.

Emmett broke away.

"Elvis?! You just called me Elvis?" Emmett demanded.

"It kinda slipped out…" Rosalie apologized.

"I'm flattered!" Emmett then returned to kissing her with vigor.

This whole time, the old lady was staring at Emmett's ass. With every passing second, it was looking more appealing. She hadn't touched a man's ass in over twenty years. Her hand shook with arthritis as she reached out and grabbed his ass. God, it was so hard!

Emmett shot up. His ass had just been…grabbed? He turned around to see the old lady guiltily looking at him.

"Do you like Elvis, too?" Emmett asked her eagerly.

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"Aliceeeeeee!" Bella whined.

"Yes, Bella dear?" Alice sang.

"This is getting borrrrrr-ingggg. Can we stop now?"

"Stop?! You want us to stop?" Alice demanded.

"Yes. I'm bored."

"Stop? Bored? What is this kind of talk? Do sharpies ever STOP working? NO! Sharpies are immortal. As are we-," at that Bella coughed, ". We can't stop. That would be conforming to the MAN. It's just what he expects. It's just what THEY expect. Just what they want from you. So will you give them what they want? Or will you fight? Will you fight the conformity? Will you fight _the system?_" Alice's eyes burned with the intensity of her totally pointless speech.

And Bella got up and decided to go make a life-size popsicle stick model of King George II.

"Hmph. We don't need her anyways." Alice whispered to her precious sharpies.

"She'll be back. Oh, she'll be back. But we won't let her color again. Or sniff the carpet. And she'll be sorry. Very. Very. Very. Sorry she left us, won't she?" Menace burned through her words and her sharpies quivered in fear, for the future of poor Bella did not seem too bright.

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_**Well, it's been a billion gazillion years since I've posted, and I'm terribly sorry.**_

_**But there was an incident involving me and a freezer. You know how people are with waffles-they freeze them. **_

_**I hope you enjoyed this chapter, though nothing of particular sorts happened in it and it was pretty short. **_

_**My creativeness is very sparse and short-lived these days. **_

_**If you find the rest of it, please tell me. I'd like to know where it is. **_

_**I love you all, and thank you so much for staying interested in my story!**_

_**XOXO,**_

_**Waffles**_


	5. Chapter 5

**_YOU'D BETTER GRAB SOME MILK, CAUSE WAFFLES IS BACK AND PIPIN' HOT!!!!!_**

**_Disclaimer: I'm a sad little person who wishes she owned fictional characters. But my insanity doesn't give me the ownership of any of Twilight's plot, characters, etc. Or Elvis Presley.  
Even though he's as hot as a fresh-baked-waffle._**

**_Please. Do enjoy._**

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Carlisle and Esme stood at the foot of Mariah's to-be soul mate. They were contemplating how to set them up.

"I do believe it would be more gentlemanly for him to go to her." Carlisle finally decided.

"Oh, dear! We forgot to introduce ourselves!"

Esme quickly introduced herself and Carlisle.

"What, may I ask, is your name?" Carlisle asked the ever-stationary tree.

"Wilton? That's a beautiful name!" Esme exclaimed. She went on to explain her plans for setting Wilton and Mariah up on a blind date. Apparently, he consented.

"DATE?! Alice shouted, appearing out of nowhere, "I think this calls for a: SHOPPING TRIP!" -

Bella was just finishing up her life-size popsicle stick model of King George II, when Alice burst in the door, the force knocking over her whole model.

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Bella wailed. The sticks fell to the floor in slow motion. "My life's dream. RUINED!" She collapsed on the floor amidst the pile of sticks and glue, sobbing.

"Oh, Belllllaaaaa! We have a MAKEOVER TO DO!" Alice dangled the car keys in front of Bella's face.

"Alice. You know I'm the character who hates shopping and anything girly. DUH!" Bella made a talk-to-the-hand sign to Alice's face.

"Oh. Right," Alice said dejectedly.

"So I guess you wouldn't want me taking you to the mall even if you knew there's a coven of vampires waiting to kill you there so you could walk right into their hands and Edward could heroically save you?" Alice added as incentive.

"What?! Really? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!! GET IN THE CAR!" Bella jumped up from the floor, covered head to toe in glue and popsicle sticks and ran to the car.

"Works every time." Alice smiled deviously as she followed after Bella.

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Upon arriving to Chisinau, Rosalie and Emmett promptly made their way to the nearest newsstand. People openly stared at the crazed couple.

"I FOUND IT!" Rosalie triumphantly held up a World Weekly News copy.

"Rosalie?" Emmett asked timorously.

"Yes?" Rosalie distractedly answered. She had flipped open the magazine and was dreamily staring at a picture of Elvis.

"Can you read Romanian?"

"Nope."

"Rose?:

"Yup?"

"That's in Romanian."

Tears sprung to Rosalie's vampiric eyes, causing Emmett to tear up as well.

"We'll never find Elvis!" Emmett moaned. He was throwing such a fit that everyone around him found it impossible to not stop and stare.

"Are you okay, ma'am?" a man asked Rosalie in a thick Romanian accent.

"Can you read Romanian?" Rosalie practically jumped on the poor man.

"Yes... I can." he was utterly confused.

"Well do it!" Rosalie shoved the magazine at the man and pointed to the Elvis article. "WHERE IS HE NOW?!"

"Um, it says he was just seen at uhhh Seattle, Washington? In a mall, apparently? But I doubt the validity-"

"KAY, THANK YOU, BYE!" Rosalie interrupted, and she grabbed Emmett's hand, heading back to the airport.

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Jasper and Edward were just arriving to the Mall in Seattle.

"Isn't it romantic?" Jasper sighed as they walked into the mall hand-in-hand.

"Romantic?" Edward did NOT like the sound of that.

"Yes. Amazingly romantic." Jasper turned to look Edward in the eyes. Edward returned his gaze with a look of perplexity.

"What are you getting at?" Edward cautiously asked.

"Well, I was thinking we were, you know, dating."

"My heart is taken by one and one only: My sweet Bella." Edward defiantly stated, withdrawing his hand from Jasper's.

"I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!" Jasper shouted. He stomped away from Edward in his 6 inch stilettos, swinging his purse angrily alongside him.

Poor innocent Edward was having mixed feelings towards his brother. He felt that odd tugging in the pit of his stomach that felt oh-so-good, the weird sensation of feeling like he was doing something he shouldn't , the overwhelming urge to laugh, and a terrible need to go comfort Jasper. He decided to give in to that last feeling.

"Jasper! I'm sorry, okay!" Edward ran after him.

"What do you want? You- you..LIFE-RUINER?!"

"I want to apologize. I never meant to hurt you." Edward bent down on one knee, took Jasper's hand, and kissed it.

"I'm not Jasper anymore." Jasper declared.

"Well then, who are you?" Edward was once more confused. Jasper seemed to always make him feel this way.

"I'm Jaspina."

"Wellllll okay then, Jaspina. Would you still like to accompany me to the mall?"

Jaspina replied in the affirmative and they walked through the Macys Men's Department hand in hand. They had the whole mall looking at them. Jaspina was wearing an extremely short and tight white dress with a large matching sunhat, purse, and stilettos. And Edward was holding his hand. Regardless of Jasper's obvious sexual orientation confusion, he still had females lusting after him as he walked by- earning irate glares from all the men in the area. -  
"Ooh! Do you think I'll get bitten again?" Bella asked excitedly.

"Mayyyybeee."

"And...and...do ya think that Edward will be my Knight in Shining Armor and come save me again?"

"Of course."

"YAY!" In her exclamation of this, she fell over the curb of the sidewalk and into the path of oncoming cars.

"Oooo Edward saaaaveee me!" Bella halfheartedly called, being the terrible actress she was.

"Oh sweet sharpie gods." Alice muttered as a Hummer came barreling through the parking lot.

"I'm so helpless!" Bella cried.

Alice stared at the scene before her with total disinterest, absentmindedly stroking her Yellow Sharpie.

The Hummer came ever closer to squishing the 'helpless' Bella.

"Come on, Edward!" Bella impatiently demanded.

BOOM!

Alice watched as the tires collided with Bella, sending her blood and guts flying everywhere like a dreadfully bad horror film.

"Haha. MORE, MORE!" she shouted encouragement to the crazed driver.

"I'M COMIN' ELVIS!" the driver shouted out the window. He pulled the Hummer up to the curbside and illegally parked there.

"Rosalie? Emmett?" Alice asked, as she saw the two hop out of the vehicle.

"No time to talk. ELVIS IS WAITING FOR US!" Emmett shouted over his shoulder as he ran into the building.

"Whatever." Alice turned back to survey the damage Bella had taken from Emmett's reckless driving.

"Ew. Messy stuff, huh?" someone behind Alice asked her.

She turned around to see Bella staring at the bloody mess on the street in disgust.

"What? Emmett just came from Moldova and ran you over and you died and that is your blood and somehow you're standing right here and... and... and... And..." Alice was staring at Bella in amazement. "I think you need some help." Bella concernedly told her almost-sister.

Alice had to keep herself from laughing at the hypocrisy of Bella's statement.

They stepped in the mall, arms linked, on an extreme shopping trip to find date-clothes for two oak trees.  
-  
"Carlisle?" Esme asked.

"Yes, dear?"

"Do you think they'll remember to get the dandruff shampoo?"

"Dandruff shampoo?"

"Yes! Look how much they're both shedding!" Esme pointed to the multitude of dead oak leaves underneath their feet.

"And we've also forgotten to ask them to get, you know, _protection_? And other things of that sort?" Carlisle implied.

"My word! We have! We must set off to the mall ourselves, then." Esme stated decidedly.

"We're going to Spencers, I assume?" Carlisle asked.

"Of course."  
------------------------------------------------------------------  
**_Okay. So the whole Cullen family is now going to be at the mall.  
What will transpire? What will happen to Mariah and Wilton? What of Jaspina and Edward?  
What about Elvis? You shall never know- UNLESSSSSS: you be a good little waffle and wait until I come up with the next chappie!  
I shall keep you in suspense. I hope you enjoyed.  
And I hope you're still interested in the story!_**

**_Buttery Goodness Forever,  
Waffles_**


	6. Chapter 6

_**It's the much-anticipated last chapter of my fanfic! It's illogical, idiotic, and completely irrational, but I did what had to be done. I toiled, and slaved, and worked day and night on it. I hope you enjoy! (well…okay. It took me all of 25 minutes to write). THANK YOU ALL FOR READING!! **_

_**I don't own Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, (or the ever-anticipated Breaking Dawn) or any of its characters. I'm not worthy. Only you, Stephenie Meyer. Only you. **_

_**Let us all take a moment of silence and pay our due respects to her amazingness. **_

_**MOMENT DONE! **_

_**--**_

"IIIIIIIIIII'MMM…CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS! CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!" Alice shrieked, streaking through the mall holding a box of Cocoa Puffs. Her eyes swirled crazily and all the Cullens gaped as she tore open the box.

"She isn't really going to eat-" Edward started to say, but stopped mid-sentence as Alice shoved a handful of the cereal down her gullet. "That." he weakly finished, still gaping at Alice, as she shoved handful after handful of the abhorred cereal into her mouth.

"You guys should-" Alice shoved another handful into her mouth, "Really" another handful, "Try this."

Emmett cautiously held out his hand and flinched back slightly as Alice plopped a sole cocoa puff onto his palm.

"Go ahead, Emmett." Alice said solemnly, "Try it." Her flashing golden eyes burned into his.

Emmett carefully picked up the little round ball and held it up to examine it.

"Wait!" Alice shouted, right before he was about to place it on his tongue. Alice whipped out her special yellow sharpie, grabbed the puff, and lightly drew on it with the sacrosanct marker. "There." she said, handing it back to him.

All of time stopped as Emmett took the cereal piece and popped it into his mouth.

"ELLLLLLLLVISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Rosalie screeched, pushing Emmett forcefully out of the way and rushing up to a guy, perhaps in his forties, with black over-styled hair, white ensemble, sunglasses, and standing by a sign that read, 'Pictures with Elvis 5.00'.

Rosalie's pushing of Emmett had caused the cocoa puff to fly out of his mouth. Alice's gazelle-like reflexes enabled her to spring into the air and catch the sacred orb in her mouth before it even touched the unholy ground.

"Thou art not worthy!" Alice exclaimed indignantly, and stormed away, stark naked and clutching her Yellow Sharpie and half-eaten box of Cocoa Puffs.

Just then, Carlisle and Esme arrived on the scene. "Oh! There you all are!" Esme happily exclaimed in seeing all her children present at the mall.

"SHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Emmett roared, "ELVIS SPEAKS!"

He and Rosalie had cornered the confused Elvis Presley impersonator and were persistent in niggling him to the very max.

"What's your favorite color?"

"How many bananas have you eaten in your lifetime?"

"What's your great-grandmother's best friend's sister's niece's pet pidgeon's name?"

"Well…I…um…" the Elvis stammered out.

"Oh! Do tell, Mr. Presley! Please! I've always wanted to know!" Rosalie begged.

"Oh dear…should we get the Ocean Lift brand, or the Smooth and Silky one?" Carlisle fretted, holding up the two bottles of Head & Shoulders shampoo.

"COCOA PUFFSSSSSSSS!" Alice shrieked.

"ELVIS!" Rosalie and Emmett called, running after the escaping impersonator.

"Edwarddddddddddddd!" Bella whined.

"MEOW I'M A CAT!" Victoria screamed, appearing out of nowhere. "I'm here to suck the blood of YOUR," she said, pointing to the unconscious Edward, "Girlfriend."

Victoria snatched Bella up and threw her over her shoulder, cackling manically, "I've got you now, my pretty!"

"Oh, Edward! Please save me!" Bella helplessly cried, a daft smile appearing across her face at the iminent 'danger' she was in. She slipped a wad of five-hundred hundred dollar bills into Victoria's pocket.

"I'll save you!" a cry came from behind them.

"Edward my sav-"

The Elvis Impersonator came flying at Victoria, only to bounce off her rock-hardness.

"YOU'RE not Edward!" Bella accusitorily stated.

"I can be if you want me to." he seductively said.

"NO YOU CAN'T!" Rosalie shouted.

His eyes widened and he backed away towards Rosalie and Emmett.

"Good boy." Rosalie praised.

"Victoria no swiping! Victoria no swiping! Victoria NO SWIPING!" Emmett gleefully exclaimed.

"AWW MAN!" Victoria placed Bella down on the ground and slinked away.

"HOLD IT! HOLD EVERYTHING! I. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. ANYMORE!" Jasper shouted at the top of his lungs. Everyone in a fifty mile radius stopped and stared at him (or at least, in his direction).

"Look. You band of imprudent, foolish, brain-dead _morons_!" he continued, "I waved my magical sparkly wand so that you _imbecile _would leave Edward and I completely and totally ALONE." Jasper pulled out his sparkly wand and pointed it at Alice, "YOU were supposed to go to the Sharpie Inc. factory…and never return!" he then pointed it at Esme and Carlisle, "YOU TWO were supposed to never find a 'mate' for that accursed tree and wander the earth for eternity!" he pointed his wand at Emmett and Rosalie, "YOU TWO were, similarly, supposed to wander the earth endlessly and futilely searching for the _ALREADY DEAD _Elvis Presley." Fierce, defiant tears ran down the pair's faces, "And you…" he venomously spat out at Bella, his hand shaking as he pointed his wand at her, "YOU, most hated and reviled of all, were supposed to get _locked up _in an insane asylum until the day your mortal body PERISHES!"

All the Cullens (and Bella) stared at the raving Jaspina, who was panting and ever-so-slightly shaking from rage.

"Jaspina…" Edward stammered painfully, "Is this all… true?" His eyes grew moist and his lower lip trembled.

"I just wanted it to be us two. Because, besides my obvious attraction to you…well," Jaspina took Edward's hand, "I'm pregnant."

Edward fainted; Esme's eyes shone in excitement; Carlisle went back to deciding between the two shampoos, totally disinterested; Rosalie gaped, totally disgusted; Emmett's aghast gaze shifted warily from Jaspina, to Edward, and back again; Bella stole Jasper's wand and started repeatedly whacking herself on the head with it; And Alice ran off to go buy some more sharpies so she could make a Sharpie Mobile for the baby-to-be's crib.

FIN

--

_**Thank you all for reading, reviewing, loving, and hating my fanfic. If you have any questions, comments, or hate mail, don't hesitate to message me!! **_

_**Mucho love,**_

_**Waffles (with chocolate chips)**_


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